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SEVEN KEYS TO A HAPPY & ENDURING MARRIAGE

By Toni Erickson

On my wedding day, little did I suspect that fifteen years and four wonderful children later I would be divorced. Actually, it is the rare person who intentionally says "I DO" with divorce in mind. So why are there so many divorces? One of the key factors I see in my practice is that most people don't give a great deal of thought to partner selection. They often marry because, "she's really cute and sexy," or "my friends like him." Such marriages often lack the deep compatibility that would result in a happy and enduring marriage. Some work on the front end would dramatically improve the high divorce statistic.

While there are many other reasons, one of the most significant causes of failed marriages is that most people lack skills to help them cope with the myriad of problems that can face them over time. Without such tools people can develop irreparable habits and dysfunctional patterns. Here are some ideas to avoid problems.

1. Make your relationship a priority.
Be willing to meet one another's needs. Too often individuals are self-centered and want their own needs met regardless their partner's needs. Others give up their own needs and then resent their spouse. In a good marriage, couples meet in the middle making the relationship the priority. If you put your relationship first, you will find ways to negotiate, compromise and establish mutually beneficial solutions. An attitude of respect and cooperation helps to create a relationship filled with romance and intimacy.

2. Develop a pattern of effective communication.
People don't communicate if they don't feel safe. The old nursery rhyme, "Sticks and stones will hurt my bones, but words can never hurt me," is simply untrue. Safety is created through compassion, caring, understanding and sharing, not through judgment and criticism. There has been much written about good listing skills, including timeouts, taking turns speaking, mirroring and asking neutral questions. Only when you care enough about each other's feelings and needs can you effectively explore solutions.

3. Always treat your partner with respect.
Respect is created when we keep agreements, do kind things for no special reason, give compliments, speak lovingly and treat our partner as if they are very special. When a mistake is made by your partner, try to be understanding rather than judgmental and accusatory. Look for the positive intent. Above all, don't say anything you might regret. If you are in the wrong, apologize and facilitate moving things forward.

4. Spend quality time together.
It is easy to make work more important than family. Some say, "The reason I work so hard is so I can provide for my family." Often those people end up losing their family because
they are never home. Making time to be together sends a clear message that our loved ones are important. Make time to go on dates with your spouse regularly. There are many things people can do to bond and connect without robbing the family bank account. Spending consistent and quality time together is vital to a goodmarriage and helps to create and maintain positive and intimate feelings.

5. Live a life of personal integrity.
Never say or do anything you wouldn't want your spouse to know about. Nothing undermines a relationship more than dishonesty. Fidelity and honesty, on all levels, is imperative to making a relationship work. You made vows and commitments at marriage and owe it to yourself and your partner to take all of them seriously, including financial integrity.

6. Engage in self-love and self-care.
Each person needs personal time for tasks of daily living (adequate nutrition, exercise and sleep), and time to pursue things they enjoy, work out problems, uncover dreams, engage in learning and develop talents. It is difficult to take time for oneself when children come, but it is necessary. Deep love comes from a commitment not only to build a strong relationship together but also to accept and promote one another as growing and expanding individuals.

7. Establish a direction for your marriage.
Look at the values you each hold individually and together. Then look to see what needs and wants you have that aren't being met. Learn to discuss and handle issues as they surface and handle existing problems to resolution using respectful communication. Finally, discuss your vision for the future. What do you want it to look like and be like? Envisioning the life we want - the goals, the financial stability, the home, the family, the relationship we want to have is very powerful.

Good marriages take work, but the rewards are immeasurable. Don't be afraid to enlist the support of a therapist or a Relationship Coach. Being in partnership with someone to assist you along the way could prove to be the best things you could ever do for the survival and happy future of your marriage. Don't we owe it to ourselves and to our children to have loving and enduring marriages? With desire, awareness, love and effort, enduring marriage can be a reality.

For help with your relationship write Toni at tonierickson@comcast.net or call her at (303) 440-4234.

"Over the course of the last few months, our relationship has improved dramatically. Eve went from thoughts of leaving the relationship to being recommitted to the goal of a successful marriage. Jim learned a lot about habits that were hurting the relationship and how to work on correcting them. Toni taught us a number of communication techniques and interpersonal skills that have helped us build a more loving relationship. Though things are not always perfect, we now have the commitment and skills to discuss problems, reach a solution and reconcile lovingly." ~ E. & J.